No thanks, I can do it myself

I’ve always been fiercely independent and I don’t intend to change. Not now and

certainly not as I grow older. I like being in charge of my life, don't you? When I was young my

circumstances forced me to fend for myself and I am thankful for that. It made me

strong and capable. These are two characteristics that I have found very useful in life. I have

however learned to appreciate the kindness of others who want to be there when I need

a hand, a shoulder, or a kick in the ass. That vulnerability is new for me and I’m happy

to report that I can accept help, I just prefer to manage on my own. It’s a delicate dance

that requires you to be wise enough to know when you can’t and don’t need to do it alone.

Recently I had foot surgery on my two big arthritic toes. This caused me to be dependent on

my husband during recovery (poor Pablo). He described this experience as trying to

stop the Titanic with a fork as an anchor. Impossible. I put the surgery off for as long as

I could but was finally forced to admit that arthritis was the new boss of me. It made me

feel old and it rocked my perception of who I was, to think that at fifty-eight my mobility

could be impacted so severely. No more sexy shoes, a lot more limping and hobbling

and a little less swagger. It took me down a notch. That’s not ageist. That’s a fact. I’m a

fitness enthusiast (addict) who has spent her life preparing for my aging years and I was

confident I would do well as I grew older. I didn’t expect this so early in the game.

At twenty-one I knew nothing about pain. I was very familiar with heartache and

suffering but my young body knew nothing about aches and pains. I was

early in my wellness career and I was enthusiastic and a bit obnoxious with my zeal for

exercise. I emphatically believed that it was the key to every problem. I was a fitness

manager at the YWCA and had an opportunity to become certified to teach aquatic fitness

classes. The course was offered by the Arthritis Foundation and it was a comprehensive

program that reviewed the physical and emotional impact the disease has on those

suffering from arthritis. I was an instructor for years and couldn’t have imagined that 37

years later I would be debilitated by the same disease. I was taught that dealing with

chronic pain induces crabbiness and irritability. They were right.

For me this is just a temporary situation (I hope) but for aging adults’ dependency can

be a life sentence. One minute their king of the world and the next their family is making

decisions about where and how they live. As a gerontologist I have always advocated

for autonomy and I have been very vocal about insisting that aging adults should live

their life without interference or judgment. I understand the desire to protect and keep

them safe but at what age do we forfeit the right to make their own decisions?

Why are we baffled when those who need help are resistant. It’s a natural response

to want to be in control of what and when you eat, when you go to the bathroom or go to

bed, and all things personal that people so graciously want to assist with.

As an aging whisperer (I have magic talents when communicating with anyone over the age of seventy) my strategy is simple and here are a few tips I can suggest:

Acknowledge don’t judge. Everyone wants to be heard so offer them a safe place to share. Acknowledge their needs and let them know that you hear them.  You don’t have to agree, just simply listen.

Encourage don’t preach. Very few of us do what we're supposed to do even though we know better. We need our own source of motivation to change behaviors and it doesn't get easier just becasue we grow old. My mother smoked her entire life and she refused to quit. Even when her health declined she continued to smoke because it was one of the few things that gave her joy. I didn't like that decision and she knew how I fetl about it but I didn't try to change it.

Accept, don't threaten. Alan-on was a great teacher to me and I learned how to Live and Let Live. It really simplifies very complicated relationships and it taught me that I can't control what other people do. However, I can control how I respond to them. I can choose to refuse to pick up cigarettes for my mother (which I did) but I can't make her quit. Acceptance is a gift for caregivers.

Know when to seek help from professionals if the situation with your loved one gets unsafe for you or them. Define your boundaries and know that it’s ok to throw your hands up occasionally and say I won't support that. I can't do that. You are not alone in your journey. Seek help for you and your loved one. 

I salute the millions of people in in the world who willingly, reluctantly, or forcibly take care of loved ones (and not so loved ones) as they grow older. They do the super hardwork while often putting their own health, relationships, and careers on pause. We should recognize that this creates a unique dynamic between the care recipient and the caregiver. It creates a shift in power that can easily lead to a loss of autonomy for the dependent one and maybe resentment from the one providing care. Allow them to do as much for themselves as possible. Let them make messes,mistakes, bad decisions. It’s ok, they have years of experience in life. Let them live a little.

My brief experience with dependency only confirmed my opinion. It is not easy to rely on others for basic things we take for granted like preparing a meal or managing a shower on your own. Being vulnerable is hard but it sure is nice to know

that there are loving and kind people in life willing to give you a helping hand when you need it. Just don't be surprised to hear "no thanks I can do it myself. "