My Childless Journey

I was never the type of woman who longed for children, and I never understood the incredible lengths some women go to just to have their own child. It’s admirable but it was never my path. To be honest, I never really thought about children because I was way too busy surviving. Working, scraping, and trying to get ahead. I knew I wanted more in life than what my young realities offered, and I was willing to hustle to push forward. At seventeen I ended up pregnant and alone and that same month I found out my biological father wasn’t the man on my birth certificate. Instead, my real father had just died in a car accident. That’s a heavy load for a young woman (check out my blog How I Met my Father) and I’m certain this experience influenced my future self

but honestly, I compartmentalized that trauma like everything else in life. It was a secret that I buried and only now can acknowledge the impact it had onevery decision I made from seventeen forward.

In my twenties I had no time for dreams of children and a family. Hell, I couldn’t even tolerate a man for longer than a few months. I never fantasized aboutwhite picket fences, sticky baby hands and happily ever after. Time marched on

and by the time my second marriage was ending (he had grown children when we met) he pulled out the baby card when he knew he was losing me. He offered to graciously allow me to have his child because he knew that’s what I wanted.

That my friends is master manipulation. I was smart enough to fear being tethered to this man for life and this act of gaslighting was the last strawfor me. It did however help me to recognize that the main reason I never had children was that I never met a man I wanted to have children with. That’s the simple truth. Now, it’s too late but I must admit that Pablo and I would have

adorable brown babies. The thought makes me smile.

So,on Mother’s Day I am childless and motherless. People will wish me happy Mother’s Day because they assume all women are mothers. I just smile politely and say thank you. It doesn’t bother me but being a woman without children can be a lonely path. At the age when friends were popping out babies, I was getting divorced and trudging through college while working full time as a

server. I endured long nights on my feet and full days commuting to Miami University. I didn’t live on campus, never went to frat parties and was anon-traditional student. I am an outsider.

I had nothing in common with mommies and couldn’t even fake a conversation about experiences I will never have or fully appreciate. I’m not envious but I am anoutsider. My closest friends knew they could not rely on me for babysitting

because I was clueless. I’ve never changed a diaper and tiny screaming newbies scare me. Once I gave an ice cube to my friend Audrey’s baby girl because she was grabbing for it. I was quickly made aware of the choking hazard as all the

mommies gathered around horrified at my ignorance. We still laugh about that and how they couldn’t trust me with their children. Believe it or not I do love children that belong to people I love. Thank you, Ryan, for sharing Stella, orah and Ava with me. I adore them, especially now that they are old enough to entertain me with their delightful onery antics.

As I approach sixty, I know my maternal window is closed. Men however have the freedom to continue the fatherhood path as long as they can. Robert De Niro at seventy-nine just welcomed his seventh child to the world and the oldest confirmed

father in the history books is ninety-two. Good for them but I think I’m content on my childless path. I have no regrets except when I encounter women who are clearly having the best time of their life with their grandchildren. These women seem so joyous to watch their family expanding with another generation. Continuing the love, connection and roots that only family bond brings. I recognize that when you don’t have children family looks different. I didn't realize how lonely I was until I met Pablo. For the first time it feels like I have my own family. I'm not an outsider. Pablo’s daughter is getting married this year so who knows… I may get the chance to be “Glama” after all. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who selfishly devote their life to raising children. It's not easy and not all Mothers are the best. Some really suck and that's unfortunate for their children however today we celebrate those Moms

that don't suck. I have always admired the strength, patience and selflessness of Mother’s who choose that path. You deserve a lifetime of gratitude from the world for all you do. You are stronger than anyone else on this planet and I hope that you get the love and respect you deserve on Mother’s Day and every day.

Cheers to Moms!