Mind Your Own Biscuits

I was a people pleaser for most of my life. As a young woman I thought it was an admirable trait but in my fourth decade of life I realized it was a disease that was slowly killing me. The disease to please. It was a learned behavior that was handy for growing up with an alcoholic mother who had a quick temper and short fuse. But, after marrying another alcoholic, I finally acknowledged my own illness. My choices had contributed to my disastrous state of mind and I had to rescue myself. 

I will never forget the moment I contacted Al-Anon. It was a gorgeous fall day and I was visiting one of my customers in a small rural hospital in Troy, Ohio.The day was so incredibly beautiful that it seemed to mock my pain. How could I hurt so badly on the inside while the world shined so brightly? Thunderstorms would have been more fitting. After hours of faking a cheerful demeanor I successfully retreated to my car with a massive sigh of relief. Pretending your OK is exhausting and painful work. I was drained but I had a list of things that needed immediate attention and first  on my list was to contact Al-Anon. I had survived growing up with an alcoholic mother but I wasn’t going to survive being married to one if I didn’t get some help so I surrendered and made the call. A volunteer answered and gathered some basic information. She asked me where I lived and my current situation. As she began to offer resources and support she asked me my name. I shared my information and she said “April? This is Corky”. She hesitated but she knew who I was. Corky had been a volunteer at a hospital I had worked years before and I knew she was a strong Al-anon proponent. She was the one who told me about the program and let’s face it, how many Corkys are there in the world? I gratefully see this encounter as another beautiful God Wink in my life. 

 Corky quickly navigated me safely towards my own path of recovery. People pleasing is a symptom common for those who grew up in an alcoholic home. They call it codependency but it doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s no way to exist. Living in constant fear that the bottom is going to fall out, walking on eggshells, hypervigilance, and the determination to control everything so your world doesn’t implode, takes a toll. It’s easy to feel like a victim. Poor me, this is all their fault. If only, but only never comes and the circle goes round and round like a Ferris wheel that has fallen off and rolled down a hill. Everything about that time in my life is so vivid. The memories stream like a movie that can be rewinded and played over and over again. I see myself sitting in that hospital parking lot, crying on the phone, shaking from my own desperation.Pitiful and sad.I rarely look back at this time in my life because it’s too painful and there’s no point, but occasionally, it's good to remind myself how far I’ve come.

My first Al-Anon meeting was held in a small church about thirty minutes from where I lived. Meetings were at seven pm. It was winter. Dark, cold, and uninviting. I knew attending was not an option, so I scraped the ice off my car windows, and I headed towards relief. Al-Anon offers a prescriptive and successful approach towards helping people survive and cope with the struggle

of living with and loving addicts. Meetings are a gritty experience of humility and surrender. I don't remember ever talking at a meeting, which is odd since it is a support group. But I do remember sobbing quietly for the entire hour, every meeting for about six months. The tears were such a release and brought me relief from years of struggling. I don’t remember making a

decision to stop going to meetings, but I finally stopped crying so it was time to move forward. I still have several codependency books from Melody Beattie, a compassionate self-help author who was my constant companion for years. I have lent them to others when I observe a similar despair and there’s any hint they could benefit from the knowledge. I always ask for their return

because they are a valuable reminder of my imperfections.

My life changed after Al-Anon because I learned how to detach with love. I discovered I could support others without having to rescue them. This was new for me. For most of my life I allowed myself to be pulled into the drama, felt an obligation, a need to fix and resolve the situation, the person, my reality. How naive I was and no wonder I was crazy. Crazy had become a familiar place and I clung to that, identified with it. Thankfully, I now have the wisdom to see when I am doing damage to myself and others by becoming overly involved, demanding change, even though there is no interest in it. I now recognize when I am overstepping. This is a life lesson that continues to serve me well and it brings my life peace. 

The Al-Anon slogan, “Live And Let Live” has two parts. “Let live” reminds us to allow others the dignity of making their own decisions and experiencing the consequences of their decisions and choices. By minding our own business, we are freed from feeling responsible for changing other. We also learn to “live” by taking care of our own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

Therapy was also an important part of my recovery and it took time to find the right therapist but it was worth it. She brought me such comfort and I think of her often. I can't recall her name but when I imagine her I picture Elizabeth Gilbert, journalist and author of Eat, Pray, Love. That movie (along with Sex and the City) also inspired my re-invention from fixer and emotional disaster to a strong independent woman. These were all important influences in my life but honestly, what I learned on those dark winter nights in a room full of strangers was the best therapy I could have. It set me on a course to freedom. These lessons taught me how to take responsibility for my own behavior and my choices. My circumstances in life  gave me years of reacting to others by trying to control and manage the chaos. Rescuing others is not only exhausting, but also damaging to those you are trying to rescue. I had made mistakes and those choices were killing me. I did not like the person I had become and finally realized that one afternoon while watching Oprah. She gazed into my eyes from the television and asked if I was living my most authentic life. I literally dropped to my knees and sobbed for hours. I was living a lie and I didn’t even recognize myself, much less love myself.That was my fault not my circumstances so at that moment I began planning my escape from the marriage, and from the person I had become. 

This road to recovery was a long one and it didn’t happen overnight but If I hadn’t made that decision eighteen years ago I may not have survived. When you take responsibility for your own life, and let others live theirs, you become lighter. It’s a practice just like yoga. Some days you bend like a tree in the wind and other days you snap like a twig in a storm. But you don’t break.You pick yourself up and carry one, one day at a time.The only other choice is to fall into misery and stay there but that's a lonely place surrounded by other miserable people and I don’t live there anymore.Today I am free even though sometimes I get stuck. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. When I catch myself trying to control a situation or feeling overly responsible for someone else I take a deep breath and I crank up Kacey Musgraves song “Biscuits.” It puts a smile on my face and puts me in the right place. “Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy.”

Listen to Biscuits,  it will make you smile!

If you are interested in learning more about Codependency check out Codependency 101 by Sharon Martin.